friday morning music and thoughts

"on my own"

On my own
Pretending he's beside me

All alone
I walk with him 'til morning

Without him, I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way,
I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me forever and forever


And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

the song above is from les miserable and its exactly how i am right now... 
below is another song from les miserable but its lacking a few parts..

'i dreamed a dream'




He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.


the 2 videos below are from the phantom of the opera

all i ask of you
if i can only have my raoul... anywhere you go let me go to...
love me that's all i ask of you...

think of me
there will never be a day when i won't think of you...


i've been thinking a lot of my future husband. i wonder where he is, or what he's doing or what he's like... is he seeing another girl? i have so much to tell him! i wish he'd just pop right in front of me right now and hold my hand and tell me that everything's gonna be alright. like how raoul said to christine in the song "all i ask of you" if only its that easy.

im old enough and mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally ready to get married. but i have no one. i feel so alone. i know i have to wait for the love story that God has prepared for me but its taking too long.

these thoughts are something im afraid to entertain in my cluttered mind especially on a friday morning with the holiday season that's just around the corner.. cold christmas.. uugghh.. i dont even wanna go there.. but with all this music and lyrics i can't help but think of him(future husband)... am i really thinking right? because sometimes, i live inside my head for so long i forgot what it's like to go out. or are these thoughts  just a by-product of extreme boredom?

but on second thought i wonder if someone would ever want to fall in love with someone like me.  if you are going to fall in love with me, its only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

you are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. you are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to be loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be clingy. you fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how im a hopeless romantic at heart. if you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

but... you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when im with you, the way i'll text you in the mornings just telling you i hope you have a great day. you're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things i say, and the way i blush when people ask me about you. but to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

pink ribbon

this song is dedicated to those who have a wife, mother, sister, friend who has cancer

last Thursday (11-8-12) i went to SM to meet with my mom. She's been in Cebu for 3 days but i haven't been able to meet up with her because of work. She visits Cebu every other week to purchase some drugs for the pharmacy and to have her check-up. She's still fighting with cancer until now. it has been tough for her. i remember 2 years ago (2010) i have been looking for a job but i can't find any. i passed an application letter to 5 different hospitals. I didn't receive any call back. so i went back to Ormoc to have a break. i just passed the board exam and a break sounds really good. Then we found out that mom has breast cancer. at first we didn't know how to react. i went with her back to Cebu to have a 2nd opinion even 3rd.. it was positive.

Cancer runs in my mom's family. my grandmother died of cervical cancer. they were too poor to afford all those expensive treatments and medications so lola marcela died without treatment. mom has 3 brothers and 3 sisters and she was the youngest. 2 of her sisters had undergone mastectomy. and she was next. she was very afraid. i was with her when the doctor confirmed that its cancer and that she has to go under the knife to remove the affected part. she cried. i cried. for a woman to lose something that differentiates us from men was hard, to lose something that has fed all her 3 children and was important for her as a mother was hard, to lose something that has been a part of her womanhood was hard. IT WAS HARD. she has many options but she chose to have it removed. so, before we "checked-in" at the hospital i took her to a spa. father came along. all 3 of us chose to have whole body massage, facial, and foot spa. i chose a spa close to Chong Hua so after the spa treatment we just crossed a street to admit my mom at the hospital.

father and i took care of her while she stayed there for about a week or so. then after the operation we went back and father went back to his own house. i was left alone with mom. My elder sister is working out of the country. my younger sister was in manila to work in st. luke's, the country's number 1 hospital, as a pharmacist. at that time my parents live separately. we didn't have house help coz we can't find one. then it dawned on me that it was just me and mom. post-operatively i did everything for her. i prepared our meals, run the business, do errands for her, do groceries, clean the house, feed the dogs, water the plants, take care of her, buy her meds(i still do this until now) and everything you can think of. i realized that there was a reason why i didn't get a job right after i passed the licensure exam. i was the one who's gonna take care of her. it was one of the most fulfilling task i did for mom. after all her sacrifices for us, what i did was just nothing compared to how much she has done for us. a few months after, i received a call from one of the hospitals i applied in to, then after that i received another message from another hospital. since mom was feeling better and stronger i decided to take the job. but before i did that i asked my father to go back home and look after my mom. after all he is still her husband. fortunately he said yes, and i convinced mom to say yes since she can't do much when she's alone. we still can't find house help. everything happens for a reason. it was another reason why i didn't get that job right away. because of that father is still staying home up to this very day.. with mom... :)

 I see my mother kneeling with our family each day.I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray.Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears,And I am thankful love is spoken here.

so, back to the present. we were having halo-halo in Ice Castle at SM when she mentioned something about a sacrifice she did way back when we were kids. we were talking about debts and the US and their debts and how i don't like to have a debt or enter into a debt. she agrees with me and then she told me this story.

there was a time when she was really short of money and i was sick and she didn't know where to get some money to buy my medications. i was so young back then and mayee was still a baby. since she doesn't want to have any debt she decided to pawn her ring (the only ring she has) and buy me some medicine. that very same day was her birthday. she didn't have much left for any food all she can afford was a can of sardines. SARDINES! for her birthday! my grandpa was in manila that time and my father has no job. no one can really help her.

i cried when i heard that story about her sacrifice for me. she cried reminiscing the past. how hard life was back then. i am so grateful to have her despite all her craziness. she's my mom and i love her so very much. she's happy that life is better now financially. that she can afford to buy us everything we need and that she can afford to get some treatment for her cancer. she's still taking oral chemotherapeutic drugs (the one i buy every month and send to her via LBC). she's gonna be under it for 5 years.

and then she told me that she has another problem. osteoporosis. her bones are getting weak because of those drugs. and that she has too many maintenance drugs to take, its making her weak and its getting very expensive. i told her id be willing to pawn my ring for her to get those medications she needed. :) she just laughed teary eyed..