Broken - the 2nd time around :'(

It has been two years since i last posted something here. I am now 30 years old and I still have no idea where I'm going with my life. In case you don't know, I only write something up in here when I'm extremely sad or happy or bored. This time it's because I just don't know where to go from here. I am now in Canada trying to become a nurse. This isn't really what I imagined to be doing at this age but life is always very surprising. I felt like I have been forgotten by time. Everyone is moving forward and here I am stuck. I thought I have goals but it feels like they're very far from me right now. I have come to terms to start from scratch here in Montreal and build up my life.

The second reason I'm writing is because I am broken-hearted. It took me awhile to actually accept that fact because I unknowingly fell for a guy I never thought I would even like. He is originally from Trinidad and Tobago with dark skin. It's funny how it all started because I was actually with someone else when he came around. It broke him finding out that I was in a secret relationship with his friend. Anyway, even after finding out about us he didn't stop. Instead he worked harder to be with me. I find it really annoying because I see him just as a friend. After a couple months we got close but I still was not into him at all. He's not someone my mom would like and I don't see myself with him either. And then he got into some real bad problems, I really wanna get away from him but I couldn't bear leaving someone at their lowest of low. So I stuck around and somewhere in those dark moments, I appreciate at how much I was willing to sacrifice for this guy I never really liked. 

Most people will like someone at their best, I fell for this guy at his worst. I saw how much he struggled, how hard he worked and how little sleep he gets to get out of the rut he was in. And he finally came through. Stronger I should say and is more humble. I quit my job months ago to learn the French language and that kept us apart. I was relieved that I don't have to be with him all the time and in my absence I didn't know that he started liking some other girl. Finding about it was the hardest to swallow. I know even before that I already have a soft spot for him but kept it all to myself as I was afraid to like someone I never planned on being in a relationship with. 

Fast forward to today, we decided to leave our separate ways. I confronted him about the girl and I can feel it in my gut that he is not telling the whole truth. I am disappointed because I have kept my guard up for 10 years as I don't want to go through a heartache again the way I did before and here I am broken the 2nd time. I RARELY open up to anyone and he actually managed to break that barrier and once that happened I am vulnerable. I don't think I will trust anyone again at this point. Tears won't stop falling. Every night I have to sleep with wet eyes. Sometimes I don't even get to sleep, I just wonder how I allowed this to happen to me again.

salt

i went to church today. i haven't been attending church regularly for the past 2 years due to my work location. i live in an island. and i finally decided to pass my resignation last may 2nd due to a boss i can't work with anymore. long story. everybody thinks i resigned because i'm going abroad. it wasn't the main reason. it just so happened that right after i passed my resignation, my agent called and told me that my passport is being requested for visa stamping. pure coincidence.

anyway... so yes, i attended sacrament meeting, joined Sunday school since i don't want to join the SA class because everyone there is younger than i am, including the teacher who was my student before. and lastly attended the relief society class.

interesting topic during Sunday school which is about supporting our government officials. very timely as the elections just concluded Rodrigo Duterte as the 16th president of the Philippines. everyone was eager to throw in their 2 cents during the class.

Relief society tackled about charity and there was a moment when the teacher asked me my thoughts about how to become a salt?

 39 When men are called unto mine everlasting gospel, and covenant with an everlasting covenant, they are accounted as the salt of the earth and the savor of men;
 40 They are called to be the savor of men; therefore, if that salt of the earth lose its savor, behold, it is thenceforth good for nothing only to be cast out and trodden under the feet of men.

i did not say a word. typically im quite during class. i rarely share my thoughts unless encouraged. but since not being able to go to church for so long, i was in silent mode. i turned my head from left to right. so what are my thoughts about it? well i guess its just very self explanatory. i easily understand things, im just not good at explaining it especially in a crowd. i don't have the gift of tongues.

i really stopped being a salt while i was living in the island. i was much more pious when i was a nurse since i go to church regularly. when i moved to the island, my spirituality went downhill. i developed something else though but it was more on my temporal growth. there were a couple of times wherein i wished i can go talk to someone with the same values but there's no one. all my church friends are married including my 2 sisters and they are all busy with their families. and i don't have a boyfriend i can talk to about those kind of things who will understand my frustrations. im just glad that with those 2 years i still managed to follow the word of wisdom even if EVERYONE around me is not following the same conduct. thank goodness i was raised well by a strict mom. i realized earlier how lucky the people are who are close to chapels and is able to attend church every Sunday. i now understand how strong the temptations are when you're far from church. my integrity was tested countless number of times. whew!

anyway... i hope i can become a salt of the earth once again now that im back to the real world. for me being a salt means changing lives of others for the better. making the burden of others lighter, becoming an inspiration, a friend to cry on, etc. basically improving the way people live and cope with our everyday struggles.

killing monotony

i am back in ormoc to relax and wait for my passport to find its way back to me.. it has been 3 weeks and its not back yet. i was informed that it'll just take 2weeks and ill get it back.. now they're telling me its gonna take 4weeks. tsktsk.. im starting to get worried because i don't wanna be idle for a long time. in case you're wondering what im talking about its my passport having a Canadian Visa in it when it gets back to me. I have been working on it for the longest time. There were many times that i just gave up on going there but i have no choice. I feel like there's nothing for me here in the Philippines. no reason for me to stay.

i already quit my job at the island paradise of Sumilon. i have built strong friendships there. Friends i think i'll keep for the rest of my life.

so i met someone. not just anyone. someone i can totally relate to. he might be someone important in my life. details id like to keep on my personal journal. its moments like that i would want to keep a record of. but!! wrong timing! im leaving the country pretty soon! bummer! what luck.

off i go to sleep. i still have a month to laze around. i have been working really hard for the past 6 years. a break is what i need.

Forgotten

Oh boy did i forgot about this blog!!!

I am still doing the island living. It has been a great journey here. I think I will just finish this until i get to work exactly 2 years (May 12) I have learned a lot here! a LOT!

I haven't had the time to write anything in this blog for 2015. i really love to write despite of me not having a talent for writing. This is more of an emotional outlet than a blog to be read by others. Nevertheless i don't mind if strangers get to read my sometimes nonsense posts.

I have completely changed here (career wise). I became a workaholic. For someone like me, who wants to always have a vacation, that is a big change. I put my heart and soul in my job and i forgot about everything else. Notice how i don't have a single entry for 2015. Now that i can sort of kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel I tend to take photos of the memories i want to keep. I have been taking pictures of my Island family. I'm not sure though where I will be headed next, if Canada is still a no-show, I will go and check for some new job. Probably in a city that is not too crowded.

I have been greatly blessed. My family has grown and I LOVE each and every single one of them. (insert family photo here)

I am going to turn 28 this year! How time flies. Sometimes i still feel like a college girl trying to take in everything independence has to offer. Today i was at church. It has been a long time since i went to church. I have been trying to understand a good friend of mine why he chose to leave the church. I made a  little experiment of mine and voluntarily decided  to not go to church for about a year or so. I probably visited the church maybe twice/thrice for 2015. I didn't feel a thing but every time I'm at church I think of my friend. I didn't ask too many questions as to why he made that decision, I always think that he is wise enough to figure everything out by himself.

Today I decided to go to church again. This time its different. I felt something. I felt something i miss so bad. The feeling of being at peace. I didn't mind the members who are strangers to me. I was there for myself. I listened to the speakers, attended Single Adult class and Relief Society class. I didn't care about the faults of the members around me and their weaknesses. I'm not there for them, again I was there for myself. For a long time I sat at a corner taking everything in. And slowly i smiled to myself. I'm happy here. The lessons and values taught at church is something I still accept. And to have a god who gives great value on families, teaches about being good and mindful of the needs of others, and to stand up to a society who have greatly become too full of themselves, that is a god id like to follow. even if i get labeled as old-fashioned, have some restrictions (i haven't really felt being restricted) or being ridiculed simply because i don't give in to what society has set as a norm.

I still hope and pray that my good friend will find his way back, I can't do it for him. I hope he has not yet completely forgotten all the things he has learned while he was at church. There's a whole world out there full of wickedness and the church has always been my refuge. I just wish that he will end up HAPPY and successful of whatever path he chooses. A soul like his will be a great loss. I hope not.

Ginugulo pa rin ng konsensya

Ang nararamdaman ko’y kakaiba

Hindi ko lubos mapagtanto

Na nagawa ko ang mga ito

Nasaktan kita, alam ko

Nasaktan ko siya, sigurado

Dumugo ang puso mo

Dahil sa kalokohang ito

Hindi ko sinasadya, malamang

Nagmukha akong timang

Nagalit ka pa din

Tumakbo ako ng matulin

Patawad, patawad kaibigan

Sa pagkakamaling nasilayan

Ako’y tao lamang

Kasamaa’y may puwang

Malamang ay hindi mo na iniisip

Pero binubulabog ako sa aking panaginip

Hindi ako mabuhay ng maayos

Dahil may kasalanan ako sayo’t sa Diyos

Nawa’y maintindihan mo lahat

Na ito man ay hindi sapat

Malaki akong hangal

Kaya’y handa akong sumugal

Patawad sa’yo kaibigan

Pati sa aking mga nasaktan

Alam kong hindi talaga tama

Wag kang mag-alala, ako’y lumuluha

With this poem entitled "Patawad" I felt like he is talking to me eight years in advance. sniff...

fresh air

so I finally decided to quit my job. it wasn't what I wanted anyway.. however, I miss how good I felt serving people and making them feel better even if sometimes I know its not gonna get better.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and i have studied it out on my mind for some months and finally gave in to the idea that i can't live all my life working in a hospital. its too darn STRESSFULL!!! ALL CAPS!! ;-)

i have been offered a job at some resort near the hospital im working and they gave me 2 choices. either i work there in the city or live in an island far from all the city life i got used to. of course i chose the city. but then i was thinking of having memories and experiences most people don't get. i get to live in paradise. LITERALLY. turquoise waters, trekking and hiking trails, sunsets, white sand, the sound of birds and waves waking you up, FRESH AIR (so glad to get rid of all the pollution)..

it has been exactly a month and a half since i started to work and live here. it has not been an easy adjustment.. but now i finally am getting the hang of it.

to be continued... i need to do my laundry! :D lol..

red light. stop and think.

what have i been up to for the past couple of months? idk. i just decided to keep my thoughts to myself. i seem to forgot about my online journal. just afraid to let anyone in to my head. i have been too busy figuring out how i would go about my life. i know i wanted to change my career.

someday we'll talk. but for now i need to sort things out. there were heartaches and there were joys. there were plenty of mistakes to learn from and stories that inspired me. there are people i'd like to thank just for being there even if they didn't know that they made me a more mature woman. a lot of things happened and sometimes i regret why i don't write about it and those ideas and thoughts just slipped away and i forgot about them completely.

i am just so grateful for all the blessings i took for granted. i learned to love myself more and gave myself a pat on the back knowing that my life isn't so bad. i found joy in my solitude. i love my family so so much even if we're not the ideal kind of bunch.. we always try to do our best.. and my family will always come first.

i have been misunderstood by many. at 25 and turning 26 soon, people have been more and more inquisitive about the men i deal with. let me give you a background check.

when i was in elementary and high school, i only had one crush. *lee* he is this chinito who was admired by many. he is 2 years older than me and he is good at basketball and nothing really significant happened during those years.

college crush *levi's* is a friend of my elder sister. he is tall,dark and a handsome hunk. still really good at basketball. he just added me up on fb and i found out he's already married.. lol.. 

*jag* is a musician. the artist.. a real romantic. he sings me love songs and writes me poetry. he is somewhere looking for someone better. probably he was thinking that i wasn't good enough. he toughened me up. 

*wrangler* is a too good to be true kinda thing. a once in a lifetime meeting. he is now engaged. ouch. didn't think that would hurt. ssssshhh...

*dickies* men who are always around but never had the courage to ask me out. 

right now the only thing in my head is my career. my heart is in lava mode again. untouchable. it kinda has an autoimmune disease. it doesn't recognize itself and sometimes it ends up hurting itself without really knowing it. i have always been thinking of my growth as a person. my spirituality. my happiness. my weaknesses. my relationship with my god.

its a point in my life wherein the choices i make today will affect me forever. that is why i have been very careful in my choices... i always think about the red light. stop and think... and feel...

on melancholy hill

up on melancholy hill
there's a plastic tree
are you here with me?
just looking out on the day
of another dream

well you can't get what you want
but you can get me
so lets set out to sea
'cause you are my medicine
when you're close to me
when you're close to me

so call in the submarines
'round the world we'll go
does anybody know
if we're looking out on the day
of another dream

if you can't get what you want
then you come with me

up on melancholy hill
sits a manatee
just looking out on the day
when you're close to me
when you're close to me

when you're close to me

this is my favorite version of the song