“Kristelle Glodo is still here, I still am, and I want to be seen to be understood, deeply and to not be so very lonely.”
the worst type of crying is the silent one. the one when everyone is asleep. the one where you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. the one where you just wanna scream. the one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. the one where you can't breathe anymore. (you'd experience this if you have a room mate) the one when you realize the person that meant the most to you, is gone..
oh erase that last sentence i just wrote. this entry is not about that. its about my life. my decision. my future. i got so caught up with my new job and i barely have time to think for myself. being a health care professional requires a lot of effort and you have got to love what you do. its not easy. trust me. when the life of your patient depends on how you take care of him, it puts so much pressure on my part. knowing that he'd either live or die on my watch.
it has been 3 months now since im practicing as a nurse. its still new to me. i can't quite believe that people would trust someone like me to take care of them. when sometimes i can't even trust myself. i always believed that i am someone who can make decisions on my own. but its at this time (right this very moment) i doubt that belief. most of my life i spent it with my family. i consider myself blessed for having them. when i started college i learned to live on my own and trust myself that i can go about this thing called life on my own. i survived that 4 years. it was mostly about learning and having fun at the same time. but it was also the time when i learned how to fall in love and get hurt so bad. i don't know if i have recovered from that traumatic experience. maybe. maybe not.
then i got my first official job at an island hospital. i was hired as a nurse phlebotomist. basically, i just extract blood from 1hr. newborn babies - 99 year old patients and i also act as a receptionist. aside from that i also screen blood donors, do routine lab exams, learn about gazillion tests for our complex body and many more. i worked there for 2 years. i learned to love the weaknesses and strengths of my co-workers. it has become my comfort zone. i don't wanna leave but mom is so concerned about my future. she wants me to go out of the country. (nursing wasn't even my choice. i want to take up culinary in manila.) anyway... so that's the reason why i moved to a different department.
so here i am tired and unhappy. don't get me wrong here. im not saying its that bad. i mean i get this great feeling every time i see one of my patients get back to his optimum level of functioning. i feel fulfilled. especially when they thank you and tell you how grateful they are of your services. its the best feeling you're gonna get when you are in the medical field. i grew up giving service to everyone i meet so it comes naturally to me. i think id even do it for free. (that is if im rich) but i need money to survive. maybe one day i can do that.
im doing this all for mom. and yeah maybe i somehow shared that dream with her along the way but a child wants nothing more than to see his/her parents happy.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
1-1-13
usually at this time id post something about how my year went and evaluate myself and if my goals were met.. but i've been too lazy to do that. i also would normally write up my goals for the year to come but again im too lazy.. so this entry would be a 3 in 1 write-up.
pssshhh!!! boom! boom! boom! kkkkkk!! BAAAAAM!!! and i jumped at the sound of that last firecracker! it's 11:35pm and im busy preparing my patient's 350cc NGT feeding and medications. i returned the mortar and pestle in a careless manner just as i was done crushing all those tablets i have to give.. i hurried and went to my patient hoping that i'd be done on time to welcome 2013.. i did flushing on his NGT tube and then i poured out his 12mn feeding into the asepto syringe. he is a bit restless. his wife sat beside him trying to calm him down. i looked at my watch and its 11:40pm. the feeding takes forever. more firecrackers were being lit at the neighborhood beside the hospital. i stared at my patient and to his wife. he's fat and in his 60s. he's a post ICU patient and intravenous fluids are hanging in the IVF stand beside me like a christmas tree. i felt my phone vibrate a couple of times. i know im receiving a lot of happy new year messages. im halfway done. i stared outside and looked at the fireworks display from the distance. and then i felt my phone again. its a phone call. i took out my phone and knew that it was her.. mom.. i was feeding my patient and normally, i wouldn't answer a phone call but its new year and its my mom. so i break rules and talked to her. one hand holding the asepto syringe and the NGT tube the other hand pressing on the bulb to push the blenderized feeding into his nasogastric tube down to his stomach. and my neck was bent on my shoulders trying to hold my phone. i listened to her amidst all the noise of the firecrackers outside and the restless sometimes combative patient. and then when she hang up i looked out and 2012 flashed back before me. i somehow shed a tear or two. this year has been tough. maybe because i was too hard on myself. and i miss having new years at home. spending it 3 years in a row at the hospital kinda gets boring. but then a feeling creep up to me and i realized that somehow i love what im doing that very moment as i pour down the last of his feedings and then his medications. one of my workmates came over and told me to hurry coz they're all ready and i was the only one left on the station. i still have to give him 100cc IV bolus of mannitol. a diuretic to control his blood pressure from shooting up. and then im done after 2 minutes.
i got off at work with heavy eyes. i was soo tired. i only have 3 patients on my watch but 2 of them are critical. one just came from the ICU and the other is for possible ICU. both with NGT feeding, w/ indwelling catheter, on oxygen inhalation via nasal cannula, chest physiotherapy, vital signs every hour, with bladder training, hourly neuro vital signs and many more. i went to the cafeteria to buy me breakfast but when i got there i decided to just skip breakfast and just bought myself lunch. got home. washed my face and change clothes. i was so happy to lie down in my bed fell asleep right away.
i woke up at 12nn. turned on my laptop and listened to some music. im supposed to meet up with mellany and the sister missionaries but my mobile network is down and i cant receive nor send messages. so i stayed at home all day. finished "i am number four" and fell asleep again. when i woke up at around 6pm i took a long bath. then took an apple for dinner got my scriptures ready for my 2013 goal to read Doctrine and Covenants. before i can open a page a knock on my door. its our neighbor who supplies our drinking water. idk how he does it but he would always come at the right time. i really have no water left on my dispenser. he came back a few minutes later carrying our 5 gallons of distilled water. he asked if i can manage to place it on the dispenser on my own. i said yes. i lied. i just find him creepy. i don't wanna let him in. i will just wait for my room mate's boyfriend to come over and lift that heavy water.
i opened my scriptures and read D&C. (before i read it i prayed. i was just gonna pray for some spirit but then it took longer. it sort of became my prayer of thanks for 2012 and my prayer for 2013) i started from the very beginning. starting with the testimony of the 12. and then i read until the 5th section. it feels good to read the scriptures. i haven't read it for so long and there were times when i became too worldly. the last time i read was the book or mormon. i read it twice on 2012. (somebody thinks i haven't read it yet. idk why she sees me that way)
the highlight for tonight's read was D&C 5:21
im done for now. other entries will have to wait. i wanna watch a movie. :) and oh before i forget. i vomited on the very first day of this year. why? because my patient (the one i was talking about earlier) pooped on his bed. his diaper wasn't in place so we have to change linens and wipe his butt from all that stool. its the nursing aid's job but he can't do it alone and my patient was a fat man so i have to help. right when i lifted his buttocks the smell just reeked in to my nose. i tried holding on but i couldn't. i can feel the gurgling sounds my stomach is making. then i can't hold it any longer. i went out and i vomited. i have worked in the laboratory for 2 years yet i still didn't get used to such smell. i felt bad though after coz the patient's son was there. so i returned and helped out. it was gross but somebody has to do it. welcome to my sweet life. :) i just have to record this just so i won't forget. what a memorable 1st day of the year..
pssshhh!!! boom! boom! boom! kkkkkk!! BAAAAAM!!! and i jumped at the sound of that last firecracker! it's 11:35pm and im busy preparing my patient's 350cc NGT feeding and medications. i returned the mortar and pestle in a careless manner just as i was done crushing all those tablets i have to give.. i hurried and went to my patient hoping that i'd be done on time to welcome 2013.. i did flushing on his NGT tube and then i poured out his 12mn feeding into the asepto syringe. he is a bit restless. his wife sat beside him trying to calm him down. i looked at my watch and its 11:40pm. the feeding takes forever. more firecrackers were being lit at the neighborhood beside the hospital. i stared at my patient and to his wife. he's fat and in his 60s. he's a post ICU patient and intravenous fluids are hanging in the IVF stand beside me like a christmas tree. i felt my phone vibrate a couple of times. i know im receiving a lot of happy new year messages. im halfway done. i stared outside and looked at the fireworks display from the distance. and then i felt my phone again. its a phone call. i took out my phone and knew that it was her.. mom.. i was feeding my patient and normally, i wouldn't answer a phone call but its new year and its my mom. so i break rules and talked to her. one hand holding the asepto syringe and the NGT tube the other hand pressing on the bulb to push the blenderized feeding into his nasogastric tube down to his stomach. and my neck was bent on my shoulders trying to hold my phone. i listened to her amidst all the noise of the firecrackers outside and the restless sometimes combative patient. and then when she hang up i looked out and 2012 flashed back before me. i somehow shed a tear or two. this year has been tough. maybe because i was too hard on myself. and i miss having new years at home. spending it 3 years in a row at the hospital kinda gets boring. but then a feeling creep up to me and i realized that somehow i love what im doing that very moment as i pour down the last of his feedings and then his medications. one of my workmates came over and told me to hurry coz they're all ready and i was the only one left on the station. i still have to give him 100cc IV bolus of mannitol. a diuretic to control his blood pressure from shooting up. and then im done after 2 minutes.
i got off at work with heavy eyes. i was soo tired. i only have 3 patients on my watch but 2 of them are critical. one just came from the ICU and the other is for possible ICU. both with NGT feeding, w/ indwelling catheter, on oxygen inhalation via nasal cannula, chest physiotherapy, vital signs every hour, with bladder training, hourly neuro vital signs and many more. i went to the cafeteria to buy me breakfast but when i got there i decided to just skip breakfast and just bought myself lunch. got home. washed my face and change clothes. i was so happy to lie down in my bed fell asleep right away.
i woke up at 12nn. turned on my laptop and listened to some music. im supposed to meet up with mellany and the sister missionaries but my mobile network is down and i cant receive nor send messages. so i stayed at home all day. finished "i am number four" and fell asleep again. when i woke up at around 6pm i took a long bath. then took an apple for dinner got my scriptures ready for my 2013 goal to read Doctrine and Covenants. before i can open a page a knock on my door. its our neighbor who supplies our drinking water. idk how he does it but he would always come at the right time. i really have no water left on my dispenser. he came back a few minutes later carrying our 5 gallons of distilled water. he asked if i can manage to place it on the dispenser on my own. i said yes. i lied. i just find him creepy. i don't wanna let him in. i will just wait for my room mate's boyfriend to come over and lift that heavy water.
i opened my scriptures and read D&C. (before i read it i prayed. i was just gonna pray for some spirit but then it took longer. it sort of became my prayer of thanks for 2012 and my prayer for 2013) i started from the very beginning. starting with the testimony of the 12. and then i read until the 5th section. it feels good to read the scriptures. i haven't read it for so long and there were times when i became too worldly. the last time i read was the book or mormon. i read it twice on 2012. (somebody thinks i haven't read it yet. idk why she sees me that way)
the highlight for tonight's read was D&C 5:21
And now I command you, my servant Joseph, to repent and walk more uprightly before me, and to yield to the persuasions of men no morei really like the last part. "to yield to the persuasions of men no more" im making it my motto for this year... :)
im done for now. other entries will have to wait. i wanna watch a movie. :) and oh before i forget. i vomited on the very first day of this year. why? because my patient (the one i was talking about earlier) pooped on his bed. his diaper wasn't in place so we have to change linens and wipe his butt from all that stool. its the nursing aid's job but he can't do it alone and my patient was a fat man so i have to help. right when i lifted his buttocks the smell just reeked in to my nose. i tried holding on but i couldn't. i can feel the gurgling sounds my stomach is making. then i can't hold it any longer. i went out and i vomited. i have worked in the laboratory for 2 years yet i still didn't get used to such smell. i felt bad though after coz the patient's son was there. so i returned and helped out. it was gross but somebody has to do it. welcome to my sweet life. :) i just have to record this just so i won't forget. what a memorable 1st day of the year..
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