late night thoughts

“Kristelle Glodo is still here, I still am, and I want to be seen to be understood, deeply and to not be so very lonely.”

the worst type of crying is the silent one. the one when everyone is asleep. the one where you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. the one where you just wanna scream. the one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. the one where you can't breathe anymore. (you'd experience this if you have a room mate) the one when you realize the person that meant the most to you, is gone..

oh erase that last sentence i just wrote. this entry is not about that. its about my life. my decision. my future. i got so caught up with my new job and i barely have time to think for myself. being a health care professional requires a lot of effort and you have got to love what you do. its not easy. trust me. when the life of your patient depends on how you take care of him, it puts so much pressure on my part. knowing that he'd either live or die on my watch.

it has been 3 months now since im practicing as a nurse. its still new to me. i can't quite believe that people would trust someone like me to take care of them. when sometimes i can't even trust myself. i always believed that i am someone who can make decisions on my own. but its at this time (right this very moment) i doubt that belief. most of my life i spent it with my family. i consider myself blessed for having them. when i started college i learned to live on my own and trust myself that i can go about this thing called life on my own. i survived that 4 years. it was mostly about learning and having fun at the same time. but it was also the time when i learned how to fall in love and get hurt so bad. i don't know if i have recovered from that traumatic experience. maybe. maybe not.

then i got my first official job at an island hospital. i was hired as a nurse phlebotomist. basically, i just extract blood from 1hr. newborn babies - 99 year old patients and i also act as a receptionist. aside from that i also screen blood donors, do routine lab exams, learn about gazillion tests for our complex body and many more. i worked there for 2 years. i learned to love the weaknesses and strengths of my co-workers. it has become my comfort zone. i don't wanna leave but mom is so concerned about my future. she wants me to go out of the country. (nursing wasn't even my choice. i want to take up culinary in manila.) anyway... so that's the reason why i moved to a different department.

so here i am tired and unhappy. don't get me wrong here. im not saying its that bad. i mean i get this great feeling every time i see one of my patients get back to his optimum level of functioning. i feel fulfilled. especially when they thank you and tell you how grateful they are of your services. its the best feeling you're gonna get when you are in the medical field. i grew up giving service to everyone i meet so it comes naturally to me. i think id even do it for free. (that is if im rich) but i need money to survive. maybe one day i can do that.

im doing this all for mom. and yeah maybe i somehow shared that dream with her along the way but a child wants nothing more than to see his/her parents happy.