what am i doing wrong with my life? that was a question i had earlier while lying in bed all day feeling sick again. is it just me or am i giving in to the pressure that everyone is unconsciously pushing me to do things I'm un-capable of? im already 25!!! and nothing seems to be going right. i hate my job. i told myself id quit last October but i didn't. my friends and my sisters are the only ones that's keeping me sane for the last couple of months. i hate the fact that i get very emotional on simple things. if you hate me don't worry, you're not alone. i hate myself too. writing this entry with all these stupid hormones in my system is not helping either.
how can i get back on track? i don't even know where im going or what im gonna do to get to the point where im supposed to be. this sucks. im not even feeling Christmas this year and to think that Christmas is my most favorite season of all. Summer only comes second. as i have mentioned before, i love to give gifts. but this year im not feeling it. im not even getting my family presents and this is a first. i bought my parents and i tickets to Malaysia next year but i think i'll take it back. they don't know about it anyways.. i skipped all the parties im invited to. i attended only one and i guess that's enough. i told you, im not feeling it.
im not happy with my life right now. i feel like im just surviving, not living. i wanna live again! like the way i used to.
im sorry if this made you feel down. this is a negative entry. it's not meant to be read by anyone but this is after all everyday thoughts of a woman right?
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Yolanda aka Haiyan
i have been very sick for the last couple of days. i got no one to take care of me. im too weak to stand up and cook. i was already absent from work. i can barely move around my apartment. it has been a long time since i am this weak. i feel like my head is going to explode. i ran out of Paracetamol. i already took 10 but the headache and fever doesn't go away. i might have to admit myself to the hospital.
it all started last week. it was about the same time when i got news that Ormoc has been badly damaged. i was worried sick for my family. i haven't had the chance to talk to them until the 3rd or 4th day post-Yolanda destruction. all the lines were down. no electricity, no water, no cellphone signal. communication was cut off.
i have been on the phone nonstop with my two sisters, a cousin, one aunt in Manila and an uncle here in Cebu. until i can't stand it anymore, i decided to go there myself and check how they're doing. eventually they all agreed and decided to send some money to buy groceries for all our relatives back in Ormoc. we gathered enough cash and decided to give some of our groceries to 20 other families.
an Ormocanon, who is already residing in the States, saw one of my sister's post on my wall in FB and asked if she could also send some money for her family. she said her family doesn't have anything to eat for 2 days. she was worried sick. and in the evening a close college friend of mine from college who is already in Norway and is celebrating her birthday decided to also help out and send some money. fortunately i missed my planned trip because of another typhoon. so i was able to purchase the additional groceries and i had more relief goods for the people back home. we had a total of 11 boxes of groceries, 3 sacks of rice, and 76 liters of water.
while waiting for the ship to move i noticed that everyone there are carrying their own groceries for their families from the different parts of Leyte and Samar. some have generators with them. and there were a LOT of media people from all over the world. i hear nothing but stories of how Yolanda destroyed our island with that sad face and worried tone. news back home aren't so good. there were lootings and killings and the loss of control of the people especially in the badly hit Tacloban. desperation was setting in.
it was already 4pm and as we got nearer i looked for the LDS chapel in Merida. it's still standing but Merida is in bad shape. 5 days after the storm and i can still see floating debris in the sea. the twin peaks that i want to climb is standing tall. father promised me that we'll climb those twin peaks because he's been there already but its quite a long trek.
by 5pm we docked in the port of Ormoc. and then it dawned on me that Ormoc was not spared. yes, the casualty is low (27) compared to Tacloban but my gosh! it's like a warzone! i can barely recognize the common landmarks. it's like the ones you thought you'd only see in the movies. it was that bad. never in my wildest dreams did i think of such state for my simple and quiet hometown.
got home and it was starting to get dark. hello candlelight nights :) yes, intimate candlelight dinners is the new 'in' thing to do. slept really early (8pm) and woke up at 5am. i still can't believe the destruction that was before my eyes every time i go out of our house.
i then repacked all the groceries i bought in Cebu to give to those who are in dire need. i can't tell you everything i did on that unexpected trip back home except that i felt so little. to the point of insignificance. i felt so secure and when calamities like this happens, it takes all the security in my system. i know im not afraid of such things but when it involves people that i so dearly love, it becomes a whole new thing.
i can talk all about how poor our government system is, how much we rely on foreign aid but i won't. (not yet) at that point, i care more about the welfare of my family. i don't rely on government, nor any of us should. but deep inside i am mad about the people who are in power. the ones who are in charge and unaffected by the typhoon and are doing so little. i can't help but question if they are even human. i guess they didn't realize the magnitude of the situation. they are just so SLOW at responding to the needs of the people they promised to help. if only i can be in charge and hasten the relief operations... i am really disappointed about the unorganized government system that my country is in. i hate politics and the whole show that goes with it.
3 days later i was on my way to Cebu. tired, sad and still sick. i looked out the window and saw a US navy ship. somehow, i felt good knowing that there are countries who are willing to help us in times of need. when i went online i found out how much help were getting outside the country. i am grateful that nations have united to help us. to everyone who did their part A BIG THANK YOU to you and us Filipinos will forever be grateful for all your help. :) to those who are still repacking, rebuilding and helping out THANK YOU SO MUCH. it is because of people like you that makes this world a better place. Bangon Pilipinas!
2 days after i got back from Ormoc, i got admitted at the hospital. it's my first time so this deserves a photo in my blog. was in there for 4 days. :-/ the only time i felt vulnerable physically. tsk. a reminder that i need to take care of myself before i can take care of others. funny how i have cared so much for others and realized that i need someone who'll take care of me. yes, that feeling is back again. tsktsk...
it all started last week. it was about the same time when i got news that Ormoc has been badly damaged. i was worried sick for my family. i haven't had the chance to talk to them until the 3rd or 4th day post-Yolanda destruction. all the lines were down. no electricity, no water, no cellphone signal. communication was cut off.
i have been on the phone nonstop with my two sisters, a cousin, one aunt in Manila and an uncle here in Cebu. until i can't stand it anymore, i decided to go there myself and check how they're doing. eventually they all agreed and decided to send some money to buy groceries for all our relatives back in Ormoc. we gathered enough cash and decided to give some of our groceries to 20 other families.
an Ormocanon, who is already residing in the States, saw one of my sister's post on my wall in FB and asked if she could also send some money for her family. she said her family doesn't have anything to eat for 2 days. she was worried sick. and in the evening a close college friend of mine from college who is already in Norway and is celebrating her birthday decided to also help out and send some money. fortunately i missed my planned trip because of another typhoon. so i was able to purchase the additional groceries and i had more relief goods for the people back home. we had a total of 11 boxes of groceries, 3 sacks of rice, and 76 liters of water.
while waiting for the ship to move i noticed that everyone there are carrying their own groceries for their families from the different parts of Leyte and Samar. some have generators with them. and there were a LOT of media people from all over the world. i hear nothing but stories of how Yolanda destroyed our island with that sad face and worried tone. news back home aren't so good. there were lootings and killings and the loss of control of the people especially in the badly hit Tacloban. desperation was setting in.
it was already 4pm and as we got nearer i looked for the LDS chapel in Merida. it's still standing but Merida is in bad shape. 5 days after the storm and i can still see floating debris in the sea. the twin peaks that i want to climb is standing tall. father promised me that we'll climb those twin peaks because he's been there already but its quite a long trek.
by 5pm we docked in the port of Ormoc. and then it dawned on me that Ormoc was not spared. yes, the casualty is low (27) compared to Tacloban but my gosh! it's like a warzone! i can barely recognize the common landmarks. it's like the ones you thought you'd only see in the movies. it was that bad. never in my wildest dreams did i think of such state for my simple and quiet hometown.
got home and it was starting to get dark. hello candlelight nights :) yes, intimate candlelight dinners is the new 'in' thing to do. slept really early (8pm) and woke up at 5am. i still can't believe the destruction that was before my eyes every time i go out of our house.
i then repacked all the groceries i bought in Cebu to give to those who are in dire need. i can't tell you everything i did on that unexpected trip back home except that i felt so little. to the point of insignificance. i felt so secure and when calamities like this happens, it takes all the security in my system. i know im not afraid of such things but when it involves people that i so dearly love, it becomes a whole new thing.
i can talk all about how poor our government system is, how much we rely on foreign aid but i won't. (not yet) at that point, i care more about the welfare of my family. i don't rely on government, nor any of us should. but deep inside i am mad about the people who are in power. the ones who are in charge and unaffected by the typhoon and are doing so little. i can't help but question if they are even human. i guess they didn't realize the magnitude of the situation. they are just so SLOW at responding to the needs of the people they promised to help. if only i can be in charge and hasten the relief operations... i am really disappointed about the unorganized government system that my country is in. i hate politics and the whole show that goes with it.
3 days later i was on my way to Cebu. tired, sad and still sick. i looked out the window and saw a US navy ship. somehow, i felt good knowing that there are countries who are willing to help us in times of need. when i went online i found out how much help were getting outside the country. i am grateful that nations have united to help us. to everyone who did their part A BIG THANK YOU to you and us Filipinos will forever be grateful for all your help. :) to those who are still repacking, rebuilding and helping out THANK YOU SO MUCH. it is because of people like you that makes this world a better place. Bangon Pilipinas!
2 days after i got back from Ormoc, i got admitted at the hospital. it's my first time so this deserves a photo in my blog. was in there for 4 days. :-/ the only time i felt vulnerable physically. tsk. a reminder that i need to take care of myself before i can take care of others. funny how i have cared so much for others and realized that i need someone who'll take care of me. yes, that feeling is back again. tsktsk...
Monday, August 12, 2013
girl friends
i was gonna write something about a road trip i had with 2 of my girl friends Kat and Raffy but decided to write it some other day.
the girl friends that i love.. <3 p="">
first i have Katrina Jean. She's this very bubbly, loud, happy go lucky, an only child, always smiling woman. she calls herself a brat. she's really not. everybody loves to be around her because of her happy personality. and she's very sweet and thoughtful. she always makes you feel like you are the best woman. i dont know how she does it but she makes everybody feel loved and special everyday. she'd always tell me that women should be treated right.
then i have Katrina Angelie and Raffaella. they're my adventure buddies. they have this same spirit as i do when it comes to adrenaline rush and trying new experiences. i've had one of the best road trip with these two. both of them are up for anything you throw in the plate. i admire their sweet but tough personality.
Katrina Angelie is the kind of woman who works her butt off to give everything to her younger sisters. she loves to spoil them (i think she got it from her dad). she works for 6 days for 12 hours. 3 days teaching at a university (because she's smart. sometimes people don't understand her and think she's weird) and 4 days working as a laboratory scientist. she's the head at the Hematology Department. she fondly tells me stories about her father who died a few years ago. i love listening to those stories. she chose to remember the lessons taught by her dad through example.
Raffy likes Michelle Rodriguez a lot. she drives this big, black car. when she has car trouble she fixes it on her own. she wants to study automotive when she's not busy. and she really wants to surf. she likes anything that looks tough. but when you really get to know her, she's really sweet and kind. she has her own opinion on things and she's not afraid to say it. in fact she's not afraid of anybody who finds her too opinionated.
they are my girlfriends who have their own set of standards. sometimes very different from my own. but i love how they respect my standards. one night Raffy stood up for me when some girl mock me for my religion. (i wasn't a bit offended by it coz i don't get easily offended. people are entitled of their own opinions) but without asking i was surprised how she stood up for me. followed by the 2 Katrinas (Jean and Angelie) they feel so protective of me. on countless occasions they have expressed their admiration on me about staying true to my beliefs and standards. in return i respect them for who they are.
then i have Kimberly, Mellany and Lowella. they're my church girlfriends. i don't belong in their age bracket but i love being around them because i learn a lot from them. they treat me like a little sister.
Kimberly is this very direct woman. Frank. she works hard to achieve her goals. she's got an ear for music. she taught herself to play piano when she was 19y.o. she is very strict when it comes to work and music. she is a Mechanical Engineer and a supervisor at some French company. and she's taking a masteral degree. she taught me to always push yourself and become the best there is. so that people will have no choice but choose you (even if they don't like it). funny how that works but its true. i told you she's frank. and she loves to travel. :) we promised each other that if we can afford it we'll go on a Euro Trip. yeah.. in our dreams! :D
Mellany is a part time elementary teacher and a call center agent. She was once a full time teacher but wanted to try and venture in a big city and work at a call center. Realizing that she doesn't wanna grow old doing something she doesn't love, she decided to go back to teaching slowly. she's the most spiritual of us all. she tries her best to follow all the counsels that we've been taught. she's like my own kind of Yoda. she has everything a guy could ask for. she's a really good cook, she knows how to make clothes (they have a tailoring business in Mindanao). the one thing that she teaches me over and over again is to be thrifty. to live frugally is something she learned the hard way.
Lowella is someone who is still in pain. she is still trying to heal from a recent break-up. its tough for her to break up an 8-year relationship because she finally realized that she's not getting married in the temple if she stays with him. she got endowed about a month ago. i am in awe at her courage to let go of someone she loves for something she lives for. Living the gospel.
again these women from church are amazing. they grew up on hard environments that made them strong today. they're all in their 30s and they got nothing on their mind but to get me to date anyone. they don't want me to be like them. they all wanted to get married. whenever someone wants to ask me out they 'd say yes before i can even answer. they'd set the time and date and i on the other hand won't show up...
these 6 women are my cushion whenever i fall down. they always help me get back on my feet and smile at life. each has their own personality and we respect each other's uniqueness. i love all of them.
the girl friends that i love.. <3 p="">
first i have Katrina Jean. She's this very bubbly, loud, happy go lucky, an only child, always smiling woman. she calls herself a brat. she's really not. everybody loves to be around her because of her happy personality. and she's very sweet and thoughtful. she always makes you feel like you are the best woman. i dont know how she does it but she makes everybody feel loved and special everyday. she'd always tell me that women should be treated right.
then i have Katrina Angelie and Raffaella. they're my adventure buddies. they have this same spirit as i do when it comes to adrenaline rush and trying new experiences. i've had one of the best road trip with these two. both of them are up for anything you throw in the plate. i admire their sweet but tough personality.
Katrina Angelie is the kind of woman who works her butt off to give everything to her younger sisters. she loves to spoil them (i think she got it from her dad). she works for 6 days for 12 hours. 3 days teaching at a university (because she's smart. sometimes people don't understand her and think she's weird) and 4 days working as a laboratory scientist. she's the head at the Hematology Department. she fondly tells me stories about her father who died a few years ago. i love listening to those stories. she chose to remember the lessons taught by her dad through example.
Raffy likes Michelle Rodriguez a lot. she drives this big, black car. when she has car trouble she fixes it on her own. she wants to study automotive when she's not busy. and she really wants to surf. she likes anything that looks tough. but when you really get to know her, she's really sweet and kind. she has her own opinion on things and she's not afraid to say it. in fact she's not afraid of anybody who finds her too opinionated.
they are my girlfriends who have their own set of standards. sometimes very different from my own. but i love how they respect my standards. one night Raffy stood up for me when some girl mock me for my religion. (i wasn't a bit offended by it coz i don't get easily offended. people are entitled of their own opinions) but without asking i was surprised how she stood up for me. followed by the 2 Katrinas (Jean and Angelie) they feel so protective of me. on countless occasions they have expressed their admiration on me about staying true to my beliefs and standards. in return i respect them for who they are.
then i have Kimberly, Mellany and Lowella. they're my church girlfriends. i don't belong in their age bracket but i love being around them because i learn a lot from them. they treat me like a little sister.
Kimberly is this very direct woman. Frank. she works hard to achieve her goals. she's got an ear for music. she taught herself to play piano when she was 19y.o. she is very strict when it comes to work and music. she is a Mechanical Engineer and a supervisor at some French company. and she's taking a masteral degree. she taught me to always push yourself and become the best there is. so that people will have no choice but choose you (even if they don't like it). funny how that works but its true. i told you she's frank. and she loves to travel. :) we promised each other that if we can afford it we'll go on a Euro Trip. yeah.. in our dreams! :D
Mellany is a part time elementary teacher and a call center agent. She was once a full time teacher but wanted to try and venture in a big city and work at a call center. Realizing that she doesn't wanna grow old doing something she doesn't love, she decided to go back to teaching slowly. she's the most spiritual of us all. she tries her best to follow all the counsels that we've been taught. she's like my own kind of Yoda. she has everything a guy could ask for. she's a really good cook, she knows how to make clothes (they have a tailoring business in Mindanao). the one thing that she teaches me over and over again is to be thrifty. to live frugally is something she learned the hard way.
again these women from church are amazing. they grew up on hard environments that made them strong today. they're all in their 30s and they got nothing on their mind but to get me to date anyone. they don't want me to be like them. they all wanted to get married. whenever someone wants to ask me out they 'd say yes before i can even answer. they'd set the time and date and i on the other hand won't show up...
these 6 women are my cushion whenever i fall down. they always help me get back on my feet and smile at life. each has their own personality and we respect each other's uniqueness. i love all of them.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
look back no more
as i sat alone earlier at the Mandaue Stake Center waiting for the broadcast of the 183rd general conference, i had nothing else on my mind. him. the guy who repeatedly haunts me for many years. it has been quiet a long time since i wrote about him. i have blocked him in my memory countless times yet he still managed to sneak up on me.
i don't know how long this is going to take. i have prayed many days and nights asking where i should go or what i should do about him. i still haven't had my answer. all throughout the conference i was crying like a baby. all because throughout the conference i was thinking only of him. every time i let my guard down i always end up crying. every time. he is my greatest weakness.
as i was thinking and waiting a song came to mind --> a drop in the ocean
yes, you may say im a dreamer. heck i hated myself for not giving him up. every single day i convince myself that he is the worst guy in the planet.
there was only one other guy who came close into changing my heart but he was gone before we even begun..
i met him a few years ago. i was invited by my sister's boyfriend to go with them on an island hopping trip. i checked my schedule and it was my day off. the only thing that was written on my planner was about my monthly meeting at the laboratory. knowing those meetings i know i'll just keep quite and not say anything significant. so i decided to skip that meeting. a night before that escapade i was again crying like crazy all night until dawn.. i didn't sleep at all. then i received a text message from my sister that they're on their way and that i should prepare. i totally forgot about them. i quickly took a bath and put concealer around my eyes and took a little nap. my eyes hurt. when they arrived, Lester informed me that we have to pick up his parents at Imperial Palace. the whole thing was about my sister meeting Lester's parents for the first time. and he knows that my sister wouldn't be comfortable about it so he took me along. i felt like an excess baggage but i know my sister needs me to be there to break all the ice and lessen the tension she feels. so i went with my big sunglasses on. i can still see the dark circle around my eyes behind the concealer when i looked myself at the mirror before we left.
his parents weren't ready when we got there so we tour around the resort and i learned that we have more people coming. i wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. i was lost in my thoughts. i was wandering how someone can have such an effect on me. i cried all night for reasons i can't even remember.
when we arrived by the shore Lester saw his friend. so he's friend was a foreigner. we were quickly introduced and i left without even looking back. i just wanted to see the ocean so that my mind can relax. i found two more Caucasians. one in his teenage years and the other one with balding hair and with huge arms. probably in his forties.. i smiled at them and sat at the back so that i'd be ignored by everyone else. but i wasn't. the tour guide knows me and i remember that i was there for a reason. to keep my sister comfortable around her boyfriend's parents. i did small talk with everyone else and i gave up on the idea that i would be left alone. i wasn't really in the mood to talk but when i finally did some snorkeling. i felt better. i forgot how awful i felt few hours ago. and then i was talkative. the day went well except that the guide didn't take us to that white sand island i wanted to go to. as the day ended i sat in front of the motor boat. i was happy to see the ocean and the life underneath.
and lester's friend apparently did more than snorkel. right before we left he asked for my number. i was back in my strict self about men. i didn't give out my number instead i just wrote my name at a temple card he got from his wallet. and off i go. back to reality.
to cut the story short he added me up on FB and sent me a message. and to my surprise i found him interesting. but i kept my guard up. i was holding back. i won't let him talk me into liking him. but eventually i did. darn! second most wrong decision about men. why did i ever let him do that?!. i haven't been with anyone else since the 1st bf and here he comes telling me all about nice things and plans that won't happen. for a moment i was happy. really happy but of course i kept that all to myself. i was waiting for him to live up to his word and see if he was the man he was telling me to be. he wasn't.
i must tell you that im someone who is very particular about men. i don't just talk to some guy and open up about my life. you have to earn it. he did. he was the 2nd guy who did. just the second. see how tough i am about them. probably the reason why up until now im single. anyways, im writing this up so that i can bury him in my memory. he just doesn't know how badly he's hurt me. at least the ex-boyfriend knows and he apologized for it. i guess im waiting for him to really apologize but i can't really expect that much from a guy who lives a thousand miles away from me.. right?...
i don't know how long this is going to take. i have prayed many days and nights asking where i should go or what i should do about him. i still haven't had my answer. all throughout the conference i was crying like a baby. all because throughout the conference i was thinking only of him. every time i let my guard down i always end up crying. every time. he is my greatest weakness.
as i was thinking and waiting a song came to mind --> a drop in the ocean
yes, you may say im a dreamer. heck i hated myself for not giving him up. every single day i convince myself that he is the worst guy in the planet.
there was only one other guy who came close into changing my heart but he was gone before we even begun..
i met him a few years ago. i was invited by my sister's boyfriend to go with them on an island hopping trip. i checked my schedule and it was my day off. the only thing that was written on my planner was about my monthly meeting at the laboratory. knowing those meetings i know i'll just keep quite and not say anything significant. so i decided to skip that meeting. a night before that escapade i was again crying like crazy all night until dawn.. i didn't sleep at all. then i received a text message from my sister that they're on their way and that i should prepare. i totally forgot about them. i quickly took a bath and put concealer around my eyes and took a little nap. my eyes hurt. when they arrived, Lester informed me that we have to pick up his parents at Imperial Palace. the whole thing was about my sister meeting Lester's parents for the first time. and he knows that my sister wouldn't be comfortable about it so he took me along. i felt like an excess baggage but i know my sister needs me to be there to break all the ice and lessen the tension she feels. so i went with my big sunglasses on. i can still see the dark circle around my eyes behind the concealer when i looked myself at the mirror before we left.
his parents weren't ready when we got there so we tour around the resort and i learned that we have more people coming. i wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. i was lost in my thoughts. i was wandering how someone can have such an effect on me. i cried all night for reasons i can't even remember.
when we arrived by the shore Lester saw his friend. so he's friend was a foreigner. we were quickly introduced and i left without even looking back. i just wanted to see the ocean so that my mind can relax. i found two more Caucasians. one in his teenage years and the other one with balding hair and with huge arms. probably in his forties.. i smiled at them and sat at the back so that i'd be ignored by everyone else. but i wasn't. the tour guide knows me and i remember that i was there for a reason. to keep my sister comfortable around her boyfriend's parents. i did small talk with everyone else and i gave up on the idea that i would be left alone. i wasn't really in the mood to talk but when i finally did some snorkeling. i felt better. i forgot how awful i felt few hours ago. and then i was talkative. the day went well except that the guide didn't take us to that white sand island i wanted to go to. as the day ended i sat in front of the motor boat. i was happy to see the ocean and the life underneath.
and lester's friend apparently did more than snorkel. right before we left he asked for my number. i was back in my strict self about men. i didn't give out my number instead i just wrote my name at a temple card he got from his wallet. and off i go. back to reality.
to cut the story short he added me up on FB and sent me a message. and to my surprise i found him interesting. but i kept my guard up. i was holding back. i won't let him talk me into liking him. but eventually i did. darn! second most wrong decision about men. why did i ever let him do that?!. i haven't been with anyone else since the 1st bf and here he comes telling me all about nice things and plans that won't happen. for a moment i was happy. really happy but of course i kept that all to myself. i was waiting for him to live up to his word and see if he was the man he was telling me to be. he wasn't.
i must tell you that im someone who is very particular about men. i don't just talk to some guy and open up about my life. you have to earn it. he did. he was the 2nd guy who did. just the second. see how tough i am about them. probably the reason why up until now im single. anyways, im writing this up so that i can bury him in my memory. he just doesn't know how badly he's hurt me. at least the ex-boyfriend knows and he apologized for it. i guess im waiting for him to really apologize but i can't really expect that much from a guy who lives a thousand miles away from me.. right?...
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
real men
this is a post about three men i know who are put to one of life's toughest tests..
let's start with someone i know from church. his name is Rey. he is a tricycle driver and a tour guide on island hopping trips to the nearby islands here in Mactan. whenever i look at him he is always smiling. always on a good mood. always trying to tease me to some guy i barely know. little did i know that behind that happy face is a man crying for his wife to come back to him. it all started when his wife was diagnosed with cancer. he did everything to save his wife. he worked for hours more than that of a normal individual would work within a day. borrowed money from whoever would let him lend some cash. and with all that he was able to pay for his wife's treatments. when she was cancer-free she then left without saying goodbye. after a few months she came back to their home and took their two children with her without her husband's knowledge. Rey was crushed when he found out that his 2 kids are gone. he told me that his wife is with another man in Samar. after about a year he received a text message from his son telling him he wants to go back to Cebu. he then instructed his son how to escape and get some money to get back to Cebu. his daughter is still stuck in samar. she wanted to go with her brother but they can't escape together. she's way too young. when his son got back here in cebu he realized his son changed. he wasn't the good boy he used to be. he was influenced by the people he lived with in samar. right now he is just watching out for his son. trying to teach him the things he could've taught while he was living with his mother. and rey is still waiting for his daughter to come back to him. as much as he wanted to get his daughter personally in samar, he can't because of the possible danger. he won't risk it with his daughter around. i hear him say how he still love his wife. how he is still waiting for her to come back. he is fighting the tears to fall down his eyes. and just 2 weeks ago i heard him order a cake for his wife's birthday.
you see this is the kind of man i don't see very often. most men cheat or if they don't they certainly wouldn't be loyal and wait for their wife to come back to them when she leaves him. he said there are many temptations. women would really tempt him face to face. its hard to resist yet the memory and the love for his wife is probably that deep no one else can match.. he said in the eyes of the lord he is still married. he can't go out and play with other women.
the second man is a workmate. his name is Niño. he is again this happy go lucky man. always smiling. his happiness is infectious. i always want to work with him because he doesn't want to complicate things. even back when i was working in the lab he is just so nice. (take note that lab dept and nursing dept aren't the best of friends) and then one day his youngest son had difficulty breathing. his youngest son was just 2 months old. things got worse and the baby was intubated and transferred in the ICU. and later did we find out that the baby had PDA or patent ductus arteriosus. its when the baby's ductus arteriosus failed to close after birth. the baby has to undergo operation. prior to this baby's birth his mother had to be operated while pregnant because she had some cyst somewhere in her reproductive system. Sir Onin (as we like to call him) still managed to smile while his son is at the ICU. i can see from his tired eyes that he's been having several sleepless nights. aside from being worried of his son's health one big problem that he's facing is money. being in the hospital for 2 weeks is already a burden much more when you're in the ICU.. and to add to that he has to transfer to CDUH for the heart operation. he was asked to prepare 1 million pesos for the operation alone. i didn't pay my fast offering last month instead i gave it to him through a drop box one of the nurses made for him. and i think im still gonna give him my fast offering for this month. its not much but at least its something. right now after a month they are still in CDUH. from operating room to cardio vascular unit to pediatric intensive care unit and then to their room. i think the baby is now doing fine. still recovering from that battle for his life. :) they were under charity case and the doctors and surgeons didn't ask for any pay so they just have to pay for the hospital.
at some point i thought he was gonna give up on his son but he didn't. they were doing all this tests thinking its either viral or bacterial infection. it took almost 2 weeks for them to diagnose PDA. 2 weeks is just too long and too expensive. he stood strong despite all the problems he was facing. that is the kind of man i admire, i look up to and i respect. when faced with life's toughest problems it only means that you are one of the toughest.
the third man is a patient assigned to my care. let's just call him mr. I. he's in for CVA or cerebrovascular accident more commonly known as stroke. i included him in this list not because of his current state but because of what kind of man he was before he got sick. and because his wife is nice and friendly i got to know him through his wife's stories. i was talking to him while giving him his medications (although he was just making weird noises) telling him how lucky he was that his wife is there with him 24/7, never leaving his side. and then his wife answered "no, im actually the one who's lucky to have him" and then she narrated to me how loving her husband was before the stroke, how good of a father he is to their children, how forgiving and understanding mr. I is. then i realized that what you do now is a huge factor on how you will be treated when you needed help the most. i think Mr. I is a good man because judging from the way he is cared for by his wife and sons i can tell that he was a good husband and father. if he wasn't, then he'd be like that other patient who was left to die without anyone on her side. it was just her neighbor who was paid to be with her. her own family wasn't there on her last breath. they arrived hours after she died.
whether its a husband with a cheating wife, a father who's son is in critical care or a man who is fighting on becoming hemiplegic, men who struggle and stood strong despite their problems are the ones i call real men. its not about how many girls you dated or how strong you are physically or how manly you talk or how much money you make. for me i think its about deciding on things that are hard to decide on. its so easy to walk away from all your problems but facing it is just admirable. its just so manly. that's what a real man is.
let's start with someone i know from church. his name is Rey. he is a tricycle driver and a tour guide on island hopping trips to the nearby islands here in Mactan. whenever i look at him he is always smiling. always on a good mood. always trying to tease me to some guy i barely know. little did i know that behind that happy face is a man crying for his wife to come back to him. it all started when his wife was diagnosed with cancer. he did everything to save his wife. he worked for hours more than that of a normal individual would work within a day. borrowed money from whoever would let him lend some cash. and with all that he was able to pay for his wife's treatments. when she was cancer-free she then left without saying goodbye. after a few months she came back to their home and took their two children with her without her husband's knowledge. Rey was crushed when he found out that his 2 kids are gone. he told me that his wife is with another man in Samar. after about a year he received a text message from his son telling him he wants to go back to Cebu. he then instructed his son how to escape and get some money to get back to Cebu. his daughter is still stuck in samar. she wanted to go with her brother but they can't escape together. she's way too young. when his son got back here in cebu he realized his son changed. he wasn't the good boy he used to be. he was influenced by the people he lived with in samar. right now he is just watching out for his son. trying to teach him the things he could've taught while he was living with his mother. and rey is still waiting for his daughter to come back to him. as much as he wanted to get his daughter personally in samar, he can't because of the possible danger. he won't risk it with his daughter around. i hear him say how he still love his wife. how he is still waiting for her to come back. he is fighting the tears to fall down his eyes. and just 2 weeks ago i heard him order a cake for his wife's birthday.
you see this is the kind of man i don't see very often. most men cheat or if they don't they certainly wouldn't be loyal and wait for their wife to come back to them when she leaves him. he said there are many temptations. women would really tempt him face to face. its hard to resist yet the memory and the love for his wife is probably that deep no one else can match.. he said in the eyes of the lord he is still married. he can't go out and play with other women.
the second man is a workmate. his name is Niño. he is again this happy go lucky man. always smiling. his happiness is infectious. i always want to work with him because he doesn't want to complicate things. even back when i was working in the lab he is just so nice. (take note that lab dept and nursing dept aren't the best of friends) and then one day his youngest son had difficulty breathing. his youngest son was just 2 months old. things got worse and the baby was intubated and transferred in the ICU. and later did we find out that the baby had PDA or patent ductus arteriosus. its when the baby's ductus arteriosus failed to close after birth. the baby has to undergo operation. prior to this baby's birth his mother had to be operated while pregnant because she had some cyst somewhere in her reproductive system. Sir Onin (as we like to call him) still managed to smile while his son is at the ICU. i can see from his tired eyes that he's been having several sleepless nights. aside from being worried of his son's health one big problem that he's facing is money. being in the hospital for 2 weeks is already a burden much more when you're in the ICU.. and to add to that he has to transfer to CDUH for the heart operation. he was asked to prepare 1 million pesos for the operation alone. i didn't pay my fast offering last month instead i gave it to him through a drop box one of the nurses made for him. and i think im still gonna give him my fast offering for this month. its not much but at least its something. right now after a month they are still in CDUH. from operating room to cardio vascular unit to pediatric intensive care unit and then to their room. i think the baby is now doing fine. still recovering from that battle for his life. :) they were under charity case and the doctors and surgeons didn't ask for any pay so they just have to pay for the hospital.
at some point i thought he was gonna give up on his son but he didn't. they were doing all this tests thinking its either viral or bacterial infection. it took almost 2 weeks for them to diagnose PDA. 2 weeks is just too long and too expensive. he stood strong despite all the problems he was facing. that is the kind of man i admire, i look up to and i respect. when faced with life's toughest problems it only means that you are one of the toughest.
the third man is a patient assigned to my care. let's just call him mr. I. he's in for CVA or cerebrovascular accident more commonly known as stroke. i included him in this list not because of his current state but because of what kind of man he was before he got sick. and because his wife is nice and friendly i got to know him through his wife's stories. i was talking to him while giving him his medications (although he was just making weird noises) telling him how lucky he was that his wife is there with him 24/7, never leaving his side. and then his wife answered "no, im actually the one who's lucky to have him" and then she narrated to me how loving her husband was before the stroke, how good of a father he is to their children, how forgiving and understanding mr. I is. then i realized that what you do now is a huge factor on how you will be treated when you needed help the most. i think Mr. I is a good man because judging from the way he is cared for by his wife and sons i can tell that he was a good husband and father. if he wasn't, then he'd be like that other patient who was left to die without anyone on her side. it was just her neighbor who was paid to be with her. her own family wasn't there on her last breath. they arrived hours after she died.
whether its a husband with a cheating wife, a father who's son is in critical care or a man who is fighting on becoming hemiplegic, men who struggle and stood strong despite their problems are the ones i call real men. its not about how many girls you dated or how strong you are physically or how manly you talk or how much money you make. for me i think its about deciding on things that are hard to decide on. its so easy to walk away from all your problems but facing it is just admirable. its just so manly. that's what a real man is.
Monday, February 18, 2013
rest day blues
its February and im posting something i wrote on December 31, 2012. i know its late but i got nothing else to do but think. i think about my life goals. i wrote 2 different sets of goals. one for my spiritual goals and the other for my temporal goals..
let's start with my temporal goals.. i already ruined my first goal. i was already late twice this year. im still on the process of becoming the best nurse. running is just something i do to keep my body fit and its my form of stress relief. i get to clear my head whenever i run. going to Canada is something i have been working on for months now. but right now Canada seems so far away. i don't even know if im really gonna get there. new year at new york is just something i want to achieve. just like how i want to see the terraces in northern Luzon.
reading D&C is taking its time. im still stuck in section 18. paying tithes is right on track and so is my fast offering. being early for church is just my weakness.. but i really want to go to church. i love the feeling i get whenever im there. getting married in the temple is just something i wrote out of habit. i know its not gonna happen this year. no guy is crazy enough to marry me. and besides my sister is going down the aisle this year. working on my genealogy is something i felt i need to do. working with the missionaries is a calling i was given this year. so i have decided not to go on a full-time mission. working with the sisters is probably the closest thing i can do to help..
random entry..
every once in a while i allow myself to break down. and today is one of them. when putting up a happy face is just too much. when you feel the need to keep everyone happy and satisfied. sacrificing my happiness is probably a characteristic i don't want to have but im cursed with it and i have that tendency to be mindful of the feelings of others even if i end up hurting myself. i was told many times im too nice. i don't know. i probably am. i am always silent whenever i feel bad about something. as much as i want to just be like everyone else and let everyone know about my anger and disappointments, i just don't have it in me. this blog(and my pillows too) is probably the only witness to my pains. a big SIGH is the only thing i can manage.
Pres. Uchtdorf's talk is the only comfort i find.. read here
its funny how im such an extroverted person yet i want to keep my privacy. how im so loquacious yet i can't find my voice when im mad. how i see myself as a strong woman yet i feel so weak. oh the facade we show people is just so ironic on who we truly are!
Monday, February 4, 2013
83 and tired
Repost
Bill Cosby "I'm 83 and Tired"
I'm 83. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my NationalService, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.
I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.
I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I
can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and
daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight
offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't
"believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning
teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the
genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and
Shari'a law tells them to.
I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let
Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques
and Madrasa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand ,
UK, America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to
fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other
Arab country to teach love and tolerance..
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.
I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?
I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.
I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves unemployable and claiming money from the Government.
Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 83.. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and their children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.
- i dont agree to everything he just said but i like his point of view...
Sunday, January 27, 2013
late night thoughts
“Kristelle Glodo is still here, I still am, and I want to be seen to be understood, deeply and to not be so very lonely.”
the worst type of crying is the silent one. the one when everyone is asleep. the one where you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. the one where you just wanna scream. the one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. the one where you can't breathe anymore. (you'd experience this if you have a room mate) the one when you realize the person that meant the most to you, is gone..
oh erase that last sentence i just wrote. this entry is not about that. its about my life. my decision. my future. i got so caught up with my new job and i barely have time to think for myself. being a health care professional requires a lot of effort and you have got to love what you do. its not easy. trust me. when the life of your patient depends on how you take care of him, it puts so much pressure on my part. knowing that he'd either live or die on my watch.
it has been 3 months now since im practicing as a nurse. its still new to me. i can't quite believe that people would trust someone like me to take care of them. when sometimes i can't even trust myself. i always believed that i am someone who can make decisions on my own. but its at this time (right this very moment) i doubt that belief. most of my life i spent it with my family. i consider myself blessed for having them. when i started college i learned to live on my own and trust myself that i can go about this thing called life on my own. i survived that 4 years. it was mostly about learning and having fun at the same time. but it was also the time when i learned how to fall in love and get hurt so bad. i don't know if i have recovered from that traumatic experience. maybe. maybe not.
then i got my first official job at an island hospital. i was hired as a nurse phlebotomist. basically, i just extract blood from 1hr. newborn babies - 99 year old patients and i also act as a receptionist. aside from that i also screen blood donors, do routine lab exams, learn about gazillion tests for our complex body and many more. i worked there for 2 years. i learned to love the weaknesses and strengths of my co-workers. it has become my comfort zone. i don't wanna leave but mom is so concerned about my future. she wants me to go out of the country. (nursing wasn't even my choice. i want to take up culinary in manila.) anyway... so that's the reason why i moved to a different department.
so here i am tired and unhappy. don't get me wrong here. im not saying its that bad. i mean i get this great feeling every time i see one of my patients get back to his optimum level of functioning. i feel fulfilled. especially when they thank you and tell you how grateful they are of your services. its the best feeling you're gonna get when you are in the medical field. i grew up giving service to everyone i meet so it comes naturally to me. i think id even do it for free. (that is if im rich) but i need money to survive. maybe one day i can do that.
im doing this all for mom. and yeah maybe i somehow shared that dream with her along the way but a child wants nothing more than to see his/her parents happy.
the worst type of crying is the silent one. the one when everyone is asleep. the one where you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. the one where you just wanna scream. the one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. the one where you can't breathe anymore. (you'd experience this if you have a room mate) the one when you realize the person that meant the most to you, is gone..
oh erase that last sentence i just wrote. this entry is not about that. its about my life. my decision. my future. i got so caught up with my new job and i barely have time to think for myself. being a health care professional requires a lot of effort and you have got to love what you do. its not easy. trust me. when the life of your patient depends on how you take care of him, it puts so much pressure on my part. knowing that he'd either live or die on my watch.
it has been 3 months now since im practicing as a nurse. its still new to me. i can't quite believe that people would trust someone like me to take care of them. when sometimes i can't even trust myself. i always believed that i am someone who can make decisions on my own. but its at this time (right this very moment) i doubt that belief. most of my life i spent it with my family. i consider myself blessed for having them. when i started college i learned to live on my own and trust myself that i can go about this thing called life on my own. i survived that 4 years. it was mostly about learning and having fun at the same time. but it was also the time when i learned how to fall in love and get hurt so bad. i don't know if i have recovered from that traumatic experience. maybe. maybe not.
then i got my first official job at an island hospital. i was hired as a nurse phlebotomist. basically, i just extract blood from 1hr. newborn babies - 99 year old patients and i also act as a receptionist. aside from that i also screen blood donors, do routine lab exams, learn about gazillion tests for our complex body and many more. i worked there for 2 years. i learned to love the weaknesses and strengths of my co-workers. it has become my comfort zone. i don't wanna leave but mom is so concerned about my future. she wants me to go out of the country. (nursing wasn't even my choice. i want to take up culinary in manila.) anyway... so that's the reason why i moved to a different department.
so here i am tired and unhappy. don't get me wrong here. im not saying its that bad. i mean i get this great feeling every time i see one of my patients get back to his optimum level of functioning. i feel fulfilled. especially when they thank you and tell you how grateful they are of your services. its the best feeling you're gonna get when you are in the medical field. i grew up giving service to everyone i meet so it comes naturally to me. i think id even do it for free. (that is if im rich) but i need money to survive. maybe one day i can do that.
im doing this all for mom. and yeah maybe i somehow shared that dream with her along the way but a child wants nothing more than to see his/her parents happy.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
1-1-13
usually at this time id post something about how my year went and evaluate myself and if my goals were met.. but i've been too lazy to do that. i also would normally write up my goals for the year to come but again im too lazy.. so this entry would be a 3 in 1 write-up.
pssshhh!!! boom! boom! boom! kkkkkk!! BAAAAAM!!! and i jumped at the sound of that last firecracker! it's 11:35pm and im busy preparing my patient's 350cc NGT feeding and medications. i returned the mortar and pestle in a careless manner just as i was done crushing all those tablets i have to give.. i hurried and went to my patient hoping that i'd be done on time to welcome 2013.. i did flushing on his NGT tube and then i poured out his 12mn feeding into the asepto syringe. he is a bit restless. his wife sat beside him trying to calm him down. i looked at my watch and its 11:40pm. the feeding takes forever. more firecrackers were being lit at the neighborhood beside the hospital. i stared at my patient and to his wife. he's fat and in his 60s. he's a post ICU patient and intravenous fluids are hanging in the IVF stand beside me like a christmas tree. i felt my phone vibrate a couple of times. i know im receiving a lot of happy new year messages. im halfway done. i stared outside and looked at the fireworks display from the distance. and then i felt my phone again. its a phone call. i took out my phone and knew that it was her.. mom.. i was feeding my patient and normally, i wouldn't answer a phone call but its new year and its my mom. so i break rules and talked to her. one hand holding the asepto syringe and the NGT tube the other hand pressing on the bulb to push the blenderized feeding into his nasogastric tube down to his stomach. and my neck was bent on my shoulders trying to hold my phone. i listened to her amidst all the noise of the firecrackers outside and the restless sometimes combative patient. and then when she hang up i looked out and 2012 flashed back before me. i somehow shed a tear or two. this year has been tough. maybe because i was too hard on myself. and i miss having new years at home. spending it 3 years in a row at the hospital kinda gets boring. but then a feeling creep up to me and i realized that somehow i love what im doing that very moment as i pour down the last of his feedings and then his medications. one of my workmates came over and told me to hurry coz they're all ready and i was the only one left on the station. i still have to give him 100cc IV bolus of mannitol. a diuretic to control his blood pressure from shooting up. and then im done after 2 minutes.
i got off at work with heavy eyes. i was soo tired. i only have 3 patients on my watch but 2 of them are critical. one just came from the ICU and the other is for possible ICU. both with NGT feeding, w/ indwelling catheter, on oxygen inhalation via nasal cannula, chest physiotherapy, vital signs every hour, with bladder training, hourly neuro vital signs and many more. i went to the cafeteria to buy me breakfast but when i got there i decided to just skip breakfast and just bought myself lunch. got home. washed my face and change clothes. i was so happy to lie down in my bed fell asleep right away.
i woke up at 12nn. turned on my laptop and listened to some music. im supposed to meet up with mellany and the sister missionaries but my mobile network is down and i cant receive nor send messages. so i stayed at home all day. finished "i am number four" and fell asleep again. when i woke up at around 6pm i took a long bath. then took an apple for dinner got my scriptures ready for my 2013 goal to read Doctrine and Covenants. before i can open a page a knock on my door. its our neighbor who supplies our drinking water. idk how he does it but he would always come at the right time. i really have no water left on my dispenser. he came back a few minutes later carrying our 5 gallons of distilled water. he asked if i can manage to place it on the dispenser on my own. i said yes. i lied. i just find him creepy. i don't wanna let him in. i will just wait for my room mate's boyfriend to come over and lift that heavy water.
i opened my scriptures and read D&C. (before i read it i prayed. i was just gonna pray for some spirit but then it took longer. it sort of became my prayer of thanks for 2012 and my prayer for 2013) i started from the very beginning. starting with the testimony of the 12. and then i read until the 5th section. it feels good to read the scriptures. i haven't read it for so long and there were times when i became too worldly. the last time i read was the book or mormon. i read it twice on 2012. (somebody thinks i haven't read it yet. idk why she sees me that way)
the highlight for tonight's read was D&C 5:21
im done for now. other entries will have to wait. i wanna watch a movie. :) and oh before i forget. i vomited on the very first day of this year. why? because my patient (the one i was talking about earlier) pooped on his bed. his diaper wasn't in place so we have to change linens and wipe his butt from all that stool. its the nursing aid's job but he can't do it alone and my patient was a fat man so i have to help. right when i lifted his buttocks the smell just reeked in to my nose. i tried holding on but i couldn't. i can feel the gurgling sounds my stomach is making. then i can't hold it any longer. i went out and i vomited. i have worked in the laboratory for 2 years yet i still didn't get used to such smell. i felt bad though after coz the patient's son was there. so i returned and helped out. it was gross but somebody has to do it. welcome to my sweet life. :) i just have to record this just so i won't forget. what a memorable 1st day of the year..
pssshhh!!! boom! boom! boom! kkkkkk!! BAAAAAM!!! and i jumped at the sound of that last firecracker! it's 11:35pm and im busy preparing my patient's 350cc NGT feeding and medications. i returned the mortar and pestle in a careless manner just as i was done crushing all those tablets i have to give.. i hurried and went to my patient hoping that i'd be done on time to welcome 2013.. i did flushing on his NGT tube and then i poured out his 12mn feeding into the asepto syringe. he is a bit restless. his wife sat beside him trying to calm him down. i looked at my watch and its 11:40pm. the feeding takes forever. more firecrackers were being lit at the neighborhood beside the hospital. i stared at my patient and to his wife. he's fat and in his 60s. he's a post ICU patient and intravenous fluids are hanging in the IVF stand beside me like a christmas tree. i felt my phone vibrate a couple of times. i know im receiving a lot of happy new year messages. im halfway done. i stared outside and looked at the fireworks display from the distance. and then i felt my phone again. its a phone call. i took out my phone and knew that it was her.. mom.. i was feeding my patient and normally, i wouldn't answer a phone call but its new year and its my mom. so i break rules and talked to her. one hand holding the asepto syringe and the NGT tube the other hand pressing on the bulb to push the blenderized feeding into his nasogastric tube down to his stomach. and my neck was bent on my shoulders trying to hold my phone. i listened to her amidst all the noise of the firecrackers outside and the restless sometimes combative patient. and then when she hang up i looked out and 2012 flashed back before me. i somehow shed a tear or two. this year has been tough. maybe because i was too hard on myself. and i miss having new years at home. spending it 3 years in a row at the hospital kinda gets boring. but then a feeling creep up to me and i realized that somehow i love what im doing that very moment as i pour down the last of his feedings and then his medications. one of my workmates came over and told me to hurry coz they're all ready and i was the only one left on the station. i still have to give him 100cc IV bolus of mannitol. a diuretic to control his blood pressure from shooting up. and then im done after 2 minutes.
i got off at work with heavy eyes. i was soo tired. i only have 3 patients on my watch but 2 of them are critical. one just came from the ICU and the other is for possible ICU. both with NGT feeding, w/ indwelling catheter, on oxygen inhalation via nasal cannula, chest physiotherapy, vital signs every hour, with bladder training, hourly neuro vital signs and many more. i went to the cafeteria to buy me breakfast but when i got there i decided to just skip breakfast and just bought myself lunch. got home. washed my face and change clothes. i was so happy to lie down in my bed fell asleep right away.
i woke up at 12nn. turned on my laptop and listened to some music. im supposed to meet up with mellany and the sister missionaries but my mobile network is down and i cant receive nor send messages. so i stayed at home all day. finished "i am number four" and fell asleep again. when i woke up at around 6pm i took a long bath. then took an apple for dinner got my scriptures ready for my 2013 goal to read Doctrine and Covenants. before i can open a page a knock on my door. its our neighbor who supplies our drinking water. idk how he does it but he would always come at the right time. i really have no water left on my dispenser. he came back a few minutes later carrying our 5 gallons of distilled water. he asked if i can manage to place it on the dispenser on my own. i said yes. i lied. i just find him creepy. i don't wanna let him in. i will just wait for my room mate's boyfriend to come over and lift that heavy water.
i opened my scriptures and read D&C. (before i read it i prayed. i was just gonna pray for some spirit but then it took longer. it sort of became my prayer of thanks for 2012 and my prayer for 2013) i started from the very beginning. starting with the testimony of the 12. and then i read until the 5th section. it feels good to read the scriptures. i haven't read it for so long and there were times when i became too worldly. the last time i read was the book or mormon. i read it twice on 2012. (somebody thinks i haven't read it yet. idk why she sees me that way)
the highlight for tonight's read was D&C 5:21
And now I command you, my servant Joseph, to repent and walk more uprightly before me, and to yield to the persuasions of men no morei really like the last part. "to yield to the persuasions of men no more" im making it my motto for this year... :)
im done for now. other entries will have to wait. i wanna watch a movie. :) and oh before i forget. i vomited on the very first day of this year. why? because my patient (the one i was talking about earlier) pooped on his bed. his diaper wasn't in place so we have to change linens and wipe his butt from all that stool. its the nursing aid's job but he can't do it alone and my patient was a fat man so i have to help. right when i lifted his buttocks the smell just reeked in to my nose. i tried holding on but i couldn't. i can feel the gurgling sounds my stomach is making. then i can't hold it any longer. i went out and i vomited. i have worked in the laboratory for 2 years yet i still didn't get used to such smell. i felt bad though after coz the patient's son was there. so i returned and helped out. it was gross but somebody has to do it. welcome to my sweet life. :) i just have to record this just so i won't forget. what a memorable 1st day of the year..
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