as i sat alone earlier at the Mandaue Stake Center waiting for the broadcast of the 183rd general conference, i had nothing else on my mind. him. the guy who repeatedly haunts me for many years. it has been quiet a long time since i wrote about him. i have blocked him in my memory countless times yet he still managed to sneak up on me.
i don't know how long this is going to take. i have prayed many days and nights asking where i should go or what i should do about him. i still haven't had my answer. all throughout the conference i was crying like a baby. all because throughout the conference i was thinking only of him. every time i let my guard down i always end up crying. every time. he is my greatest weakness.
as i was thinking and waiting a song came to mind --> a drop in the ocean
yes, you may say im a dreamer. heck i hated myself for not giving him up. every single day i convince myself that he is the worst guy in the planet.
there was only one other guy who came close into changing my heart but he was gone before we even begun..
i met him a few years ago. i was invited by my sister's boyfriend to go with them on an island hopping trip. i checked my schedule and it was my day off. the only thing that was written on my planner was about my monthly meeting at the laboratory. knowing those meetings i know i'll just keep quite and not say anything significant. so i decided to skip that meeting. a night before that escapade i was again crying like crazy all night until dawn.. i didn't sleep at all. then i received a text message from my sister that they're on their way and that i should prepare. i totally forgot about them. i quickly took a bath and put concealer around my eyes and took a little nap. my eyes hurt. when they arrived, Lester informed me that we have to pick up his parents at Imperial Palace. the whole thing was about my sister meeting Lester's parents for the first time. and he knows that my sister wouldn't be comfortable about it so he took me along. i felt like an excess baggage but i know my sister needs me to be there to break all the ice and lessen the tension she feels. so i went with my big sunglasses on. i can still see the dark circle around my eyes behind the concealer when i looked myself at the mirror before we left.
his parents weren't ready when we got there so we tour around the resort and i learned that we have more people coming. i wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. i was lost in my thoughts. i was wandering how someone can have such an effect on me. i cried all night for reasons i can't even remember.
when we arrived by the shore Lester saw his friend. so he's friend was a foreigner. we were quickly introduced and i left without even looking back. i just wanted to see the ocean so that my mind can relax. i found two more Caucasians. one in his teenage years and the other one with balding hair and with huge arms. probably in his forties.. i smiled at them and sat at the back so that i'd be ignored by everyone else. but i wasn't. the tour guide knows me and i remember that i was there for a reason. to keep my sister comfortable around her boyfriend's parents. i did small talk with everyone else and i gave up on the idea that i would be left alone. i wasn't really in the mood to talk but when i finally did some snorkeling. i felt better. i forgot how awful i felt few hours ago. and then i was talkative. the day went well except that the guide didn't take us to that white sand island i wanted to go to. as the day ended i sat in front of the motor boat. i was happy to see the ocean and the life underneath.
and lester's friend apparently did more than snorkel. right before we left he asked for my number. i was back in my strict self about men. i didn't give out my number instead i just wrote my name at a temple card he got from his wallet. and off i go. back to reality.
to cut the story short he added me up on FB and sent me a message. and to my surprise i found him interesting. but i kept my guard up. i was holding back. i won't let him talk me into liking him. but eventually i did. darn! second most wrong decision about men. why did i ever let him do that?!. i haven't been with anyone else since the 1st bf and here he comes telling me all about nice things and plans that won't happen. for a moment i was happy. really happy but of course i kept that all to myself. i was waiting for him to live up to his word and see if he was the man he was telling me to be. he wasn't.
i must tell you that im someone who is very particular about men. i don't just talk to some guy and open up about my life. you have to earn it. he did. he was the 2nd guy who did. just the second. see how tough i am about them. probably the reason why up until now im single. anyways, im writing this up so that i can bury him in my memory. he just doesn't know how badly he's hurt me. at least the ex-boyfriend knows and he apologized for it. i guess im waiting for him to really apologize but i can't really expect that much from a guy who lives a thousand miles away from me.. right?...
