i can't remember the last time i tried to fast and pray.. what i can remember are my attempts at fasting... my college days seems so distant.. all throughout those years i have never missed a Sunday to fast and pray. and pay my fast offering.. i have been blessed well. i graduated college without failing at any subject. Spanish did give me a lil scare though.. i was hanging by the thread.. lol.. i passed the nursing licensure exam. i had good health. etc.
i don't know how i did that. how i was able to not eat for 24 hours and not feel hungry. i do that once a month every 1st Sunday. and when i miss the first Sunday i do it the next.. i did 4 years of fasting and then it just vanished. i stopped. i don't know what made me stop.
i can remember how other SAs(in my former ward) found out that i fast every 1st Sunday. they were shocked. and i asked them "why?" they told me that they just fast whenever they needed something really bad. in my head i said i need a lot of things. i need to pass the board exam. i need help to keep myself sane and not do stupid things like do drugs or get pregnant. i need to have my family complete again.. i need to become an example to my other friends who are not of the same faith.
just recently the ball started rolling when my mom said yes to my long time question (if i can go and migrate to Canada) so this week im going to visit the agencies i plan on working with for the next couple of months who can assist me with my visa. and meet mother and talk to her about the specifics of my plan. there is one thing im not quite sure yet though. whether i'd go for student visa or have an immigrant visa. there are just some things i can't tell you right now why im having a difficult time deciding on things. there are people im gonna leave behind. i don't wanna be away from them yet i wanted to have a better future for myself and my "future family"
and so i decided to fast and pray.. and i did. and i found out that as much as i was concerned about what to choose things started flooding up my brain. and i started thinking of the things i forgot. i was reminded of how i should be. what my previous goals are. my secret goals. my "if onlys" it became clear that i missed out on a lot of things. spiritually. i can't even remember the last time fasted. or the last time i read my BOM. today i read it and i read something about repentance.
so after i finished reading a few chapters. i closed my book. got on my knees beside my bed and prayed. like a serious prayer. the kind of prayer that would bring you to tears because you've been so (not wicked) but too relaxed on things that really matter. i sin easily. i take simple church guidelines lightly. i used to be so... righteous.
i just feel so bad right now. and the thoughts of going to Canada vanished - the reason why i even fasted. i focused more on myself. the things that made me who i am. i allow people to influence me in a not so nice way. i talk differently. although i told myself that im not like the rest of "them" im slowly, unknowingly becoming like them. i surrounded myself with people who doesn't inspire me to do good things.
last week i had the chance of doing volunteer work for the victims of the earthquake in Negros. i felt so good. i felt the same feeling i felt today. and i like it. i missed it. i forgot how good it feels to do good things for others. how good it feels if you get to obey the commandments.
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