questions to ask before marriage.

got this forwarded message from someone at church. i think this is really helpful for SAs. it was helpful to me so i want to share it here. (no one hardly even knows about this blog) plus i want easier access to it.. ;) anyway its an eye opener. i have thought about this topic ever since i turned 18 and i realized that i haven't thought about it much in detail. i only dwell on the idea of marriage not on the specific questions i should be asking. so here... i hope this will help you make that big decision.. :)

Explanation and Disclaimer

This was written by me for a specific situation, Addison’s (my daughter) decision to marry David (her husband now).  Although this guide may prove useful to others, it was meant for Addi and David in their situation.  They had already announced their decision and this was my reaction.  If you are a parent, you may want to adapt it to your situation and inspired guidance.  If you are a young man or young woman, read this prayerfully and share it with your parents, they may have something to add.

 I haven’t taken the time to reference the doctrinal and scriptural references that inspired these questions, but I believe you will recognize the themes and can seek them out yourself.  Perhaps I will add them in a future version for Jensen and my other children. 

I think it is best if read and pondered long before you find yourself in a serious relationship (which shouldn’t happen before your mission if you are a young man) and before you begin to get emotionally attached.  The emotions and feelings you feel when emotional attachment is developing can be powerful and can affect your ability to think clearly and receive or perceive the answers and guidance you receive from the Holy Spirit.  Remember, love is based in service, worthiness, charity, sacrifice, and commitment (eternal!).  Lust is the opposite – it is selfish, unworthy, self-serving, demeaning, and destroying.  Eternal marriage is the Lord’s plan, when the time is right and in the right place (you know what I mean by this).  Follow “For the Strength of Youth” before a mission (no pairing off, etc…), the prophets’ council after a mission (you should start pairing off, etc…), and set your sights on the temple.  No other alternative is worth it.

Mike

October 2011

The Big Decision

Being sealed and married for eternity is a marvelous thing when the timing is right and you have found a partner who is good, worthy, and compatible.  This decision should be treated seriously and prayerfully.  The decision is yours and the Lord expects you to make it, but he will guide you and confirm your decision (or even tell you otherwise).  In the end, your Heavenly Father knows you perfectly, He knows all – the past, present, and future – and He will answer you and guide you; but you must do your part.  Make sure you are living worthily of such guidance.  Making this decision if you’re not in harmony with the gospel is dangerous and there is too much at stake: your eternal progression and that of your future spouse, children, and posterity.

The questions below will help you take inventory of yourself and your potential eternal companion.  Some of the questions are more important than others, but all will be helpful in taking an inventory of your compatibility and readiness.   While it will take considerable effort and time to complete, it is worth it.  The questions are meant to help you analyze your similarities and differences in background, culture, intellect, expectations, goals, and desires.   Marriage is wonderful and, as with anything that is worthwhile, it will require effort from both of you and will benefit from a strong start.   Ultimately, you must do your part, and then in prayer and fasting, ask Heavenly Father to guide and confirm your decision.  Be prepared to follow the answer, even if not expected (marry, don’t marry, wait and work on it, etc…). 

The Assessment

My instructions are few and simple, but please follow them:

·         Answer these questions on your own, alone.  Don’t cheat on this.

·         Be completely honest

·         Once finished, share your answers with each other and discuss them honestly (see further instructions at the end)

1.       Do you feel you really know yourself? 

2.       What are your goals and aspirations?  What is most important to you?

3.       Have you experienced all you want to experience before you are married?

4.       Has he/she experience or accomplished all he/she wishes before marriage?

5.       Is your decision to marry in harmony with your Patriarchal Blessing and other blessings or guidance you have been given by your father or other priesthood leaders – not just specifically regarding marriage, but also education and other instructions, blessings, and guidance regarding timing, the other person, and circumstances?

6.       What are your educational goals? How and where will you accomplish them?

7.       How will marriage and your other goals mix?

8.       How much debt do you have now?

9.       Will you go into debt for your education?  How much?

10.   How much debt does David have?  How much debt does Addi have?

11.   How do you feel about debt?  For what types of purchases do you feel debt is appropriate?

12.   Will David provide all financial support while in school? After school?  Will Addison be expected to work?

13.   Do you understand the real cost of being on your own and do you have a realistic budget?  What is your plan to meet those expenses?

14.   How will finances be managed after marriage?  Who will manage the finances or will you do this jointly?

15.   Do you have any issues or concerns about your potential in-laws and or his/her extended family?

16.   Do you/or the other have a problem with pornography?

17.   Does he/she treat you with respect?

18.   Do you treat her/him with respect?

19.   Does he/she have a problem with swearing or vulgar language?  Do you?

20.   Does he/she have any temper or behaviors that might be a problem?  Do you?

21.   Does he/she have any addictions?  Do you?

22.   Do you want to have children right away?

23.   How do you feel about birth control?

24.   How many children do you want?

25.   How far apart will you space them?

26.   What is your position on abortion?

27.   What does the Lord, through His prophets, say about marriage and children, including the timing of children?  Are your plans in harmony with the Lord’s will as taught by the Prophets?

28.   Does he/she have the qualities you expect as the father/mother of your children?

29.   How will you discipline your children?

30.   What kind of father or mother do I want for my children?

31.   What kind of parent am I prepared to be?

32.   Will Addi be able to stay home after having children or will she be expected to work?

33.   What are the Lord’s teachings regarding the mother working outside of the home?  Do you believe this?

34.   What are David’s career goals?  How much education will this require?  How will this be financed?

35.   Is having a lot of money important to you?  How much and why?

36.   Does he/she budget, spend, and save wisely?  Do you?  Is that important to you?

37.   What are his/her hobbies, past-times, or recreational activities?  Does he/she do them alone?  What about after marriage?

38.   What are your hobbies, past-times, or recreational activities? Do you do them alone or with others?  What about after marriage?

39.   Where do you want to settle eventually?

40.   How important is it to you to live close to your family?  How important is it to him/her?

41.   What are your political views and any affiliation?  What are his/hers?

42.   What are your views on “gay marriage”, homosexuality, and other moral/social issues of our day?  What are his/hers?

43.   How do you define “active in the gospel”?

44.   Does he / Do you honor the Priesthood in language, behavior, dress, and in faithfully magnifying callings?

45.   Are you temple worthy?

46.   Does he / Do you wear the approved temple garments at all times as explained in the recommend interview? Does he honor his temple/Priesthood covenants?

47.   Is there anything in your past that should have been resolved but has not?

Once you have answered these questions; ponder, pray, and listen for direction.  Fasting will help.  Then, share your answers with each other and individually and prayerfully analyze where you have differences and record your thoughts, feelings, and impressions.  Then, jointly discuss these in a spirit of prayer. Where you have serious differences, you must be prepared to discuss and make adjustments before marriage.  Not adjusting, ignoring differences, and adjustments that are one-sided may be the seed of contention, regret, and even serious problems later.  No one is perfect and there is a difference between differences that are disqualifiers (worthiness, addictions, abusive behavior) and those differences that are less important (does he squeeze the toothpaste from the middle or the end).  You will have to decide, prayerfully, what is right for you.  Heavenly Father will guide you!

48.   For each of the areas where you have differences that are not disqualifiers, how are you prepared to adjust or change and what will you do?